Could there be an easier way? Pretty please?

Here I am on my laptop, after laying awake since the early hours of the morning ...

Not sure if I'll actually ever publish this post,
but writing it anyways as I have a feeling it will be therapeutic for me.

In one month, I will board that plane once again - and then the second one - that will take me back to my beloved Uganda.

This time, with Kylie.

The first of my children to come with me, after God spoke to her a year ago that she needed to come with me to Uganda as a first step to her calling into missions.

Exciting and daunting at the same time.

This week, our tickets will need to be purchased.

With (harmless yet annoying) mosquitoes buzzing around my ears in the night, I make a mental note to buy LOTS of mosquito repellant - the strongest kind - for the 2 of us - to lather our bodies with every waking hour for our 3 weeks in Uganda.

Cuz in Uganda, mozzies aren't harmless.

(Nights should be fine under the mosquito net.)

And I need to make that appointment with the travel doctor for Kylie's vaccination.

And get malaria medicine - and and and....

From experience I know that the next 3 months will be intense, like every time I travel.

There are all the preparations, then the trip itself and the readjustment when I come back home.

3 months.

This coming month will be filled with preparations of all kinds - on top of normal life - not the least organizing every hour of every day for the care and schooling of Shayden.

Hundreds of details.

When I sat in the plane that took me to Germany less than 3 months ago, utterly exhausted from the preparations, I promised myself that I wouldn't dare leave again for another trip for at least 6 months. And here I am again. This seems to be God's appointed time.

It's complicated.

It's hard.

It's draining.

Thoughts keep flooding me - about how I am not the right person for the job.

Couldn't God have chosen somebody more fitting?

Surely I must have been His plan B - or C....

I am fragile.

My health is - just recuperating from a flu at the moment.

My (our) finances are - how are we going to pay for all the expenses of this trip for the two of us?

My heart is - when something is occupying my heart, I don't sleep well.
I am not anxious or worried, but it just affects me.

I don't travel well.

Have terrible jet-lag and need to take sleeping pills every single night for about 6 weeks surrounding each trip. And nowadays, they only knock me out for a few hours.

My heart gets so messed up.

Living in two worlds is hard in the best of times.

Though my heart and thoughts are in Uganda many times daily and much of my work is centered around the ministry there, I find a certain 'normal' in between trips.

Then I travel there again - my heart gets ripped open again.

The raw emotions are inexplainable.

The physical distance makes for a degree of emotional distance.

But then I am there again:

I experience the sights, sounds, smells,

the life, the children, the family, the love, the laughter, the fellowship,

the needs and some hard things to 'digest' - happens every time.

I am apprehensive - tremble in my inmost being - about going again.

Loving again.

Seeing again.

Enjoying again.

Getting challenged and inspired again.

And then leaving again.

Experiencing the pain again.

Missing everybody and everything again.

And I hesitate

I am not sure I am up for this.

My life could be so comfortable here in beautiful New Zealand:

Home-schooling, living life, being a grandma, involved in church and the neighbourhood, enjoying the beautiful creation around us - and why not taking up a paying part-time job...

Why am I doing this to myself - and to my family - who also pay a price for my state-of-being?

Is there an easier way to follow the call of God on my life?

Any way out?

I already know the answer.

No, there isn't.

There's pain and there's going to be pain.

My life isn't mine.

I have surrendered it to the lover of my soul a long time ago.

And He has chosen this life for me.

He has never promised that it would be easy.

But He is worthy.

Every time my heart gets pierced, I am broken-hearted and pained,
he is sharing a glimpse of His own heart with me.

I have never learned so much about my Jesus than through my involvement with Uganda.

SOOO MUCH!!!

Amongst many other things,

He also didn't choose the easy route.

He also could have stayed ever so comfortably in heaven.

And yet he chose the hard road.

WAY harder than mine!

Jesus, this morning, I am just crying out to you.

Take me by your hand.

Help me.

Strengthen me.

Give me courage to walk this road.

Provide for all the needs.

My heart is steadfast, entrusting myself into your loving and capable hands.

And here I go - courageously pushing that button

If for no other reason than for myself - as a reminder :-)